The Big Farmer. There aren’t too many of these in the west, but there are a few in the east. These lads are bringing money in every and any way. The big farmer is the type that has a lot of land but always wants more. Those who say there is no money in farming haven’t met the Big Farmer. A lot of the time, he drives an Audi and sleeps in a Four Poster. Some Big Farmers have reached a point where they don’t need to work the land anymore. They have farmhands to do it for them!

The Rooter. We all know one of these. In truth, you probably know a few. The Rooter is the type of farmer who is always busy but never seems to get anything done. He always has a job that he is on the way to do, but unfortunately this job is either completely pointless or never gets finished. Despite his apparent energy, the Rooter’s fences hang from his posts like tinsel on a Christmas tree; the roof of his shed is falling in; and his animals are grazing along roadsides. Livestock mortality is usually high on the Rooter’s farm.

The Manager. The Manager type is, in many ways, the exact opposite of the Rooter. Like the Rooter, he is always busy but, in contrast to him, he always gets the job done. The Manager is the type whose farm, whether big or small, runs like clockwork. He uses his time well. His animals are always dosed and well fed and are in peak condition all year round. He maintains his machinery, outhouses and fences well, and there is never as much as a solitary rush on his pastures. Fair play to him.

The Hoarder. Farmers have a terrible reputation as hoarders, but much of the time this reputation is undeserved. In reality, the Hoarder is a specific type of farmer. Very often, the Hoarder type is otherwise a capable farmer. His weakness is simply that he forms sentimental attachments to useless objects such as broken machine parts, worn out tyres, and even silage wrap. Over time, this becomes a serious problem. The Hoarder’s farmyard is usually a hazardous scrapyard that can be a danger to himself, his animals and anyone else that comes near the place.

The Clot. Similar to the Hoarder is the Clotty Farmer. There are, however, subtle differences between the two. The Clot often has Hoarder traits, but his farming practices are far more problematic. A Clotty Farmer is the sort that doesn’t see the point in any sort of cleaning. He goes from one job to the next, leaving a trail of mess behind him. He rarely dungs out his sheds, and leaves his animals lying in filth for days at a time. Rather than hoarding waste, he simply throws whatever it is – old meal bags, silage wrap, baling twine – on the ground where he stands, and leaves it for the elements. The Clot’s farmyard resembles a rubbish heap.

The Tidy Farmer. The Tidy Farmer is one we should all admire. In stark contrast to the Clot, everything has its place in the Tidy Farmer’s farmyard. The Tidy Farmer believes in maintaining everything he owns, and goes to great rounds to do so. This can be taken to extremes, and some Tidy Farmers have OCD traits. I know one farmer who cleans out the cattle shed every morning: he scrubs down the floors and walls with disinfectant before allowing the cattle back to the stalls! You could eat your dinner off the floor of his yard.

The Armchair Farmer. And finally, who can forget the farmer who isn’t really a farmer at all? The Armchair Farmer enjoys a blessed life. He owns land, and sometimes lots of it, but for whatever reason does not farm it. Usually, this does not stop him from having very strong opinions about how we should farm!